Jaded
by Samwise the Brave
Summary: Based on Legolas Amin Aniron's Fallen Star.O Haldir! Lovely, but Jaded. The effects of the abuse is taking it's toll on Haldir, leaving him Jaded.[slash]


A/N: This is written for Legolas Amin Aniron, and is based upon her wonderful story Fallen Star. This story contains slash. If that disturbs you then please do not read and get upset and flame! All recognizable characters/places/things are Tolkien's, and Fallen Star and its themes belong to Legolas Amin Aniron. She has given me permission to publish this and I hope you like it. And if you have not read her stories I suggest you do, or you will be missing out on a lot of nice slash stories. Some of Aerosmith's Jaded lyrics will appear here and there. If you don't understand what I'm writing about, I suggest that you read Fallen Star first.  
  
Stuff in ~ are lyrics or Haldir's dreams/flashbacks/thoughts. The last paragraph in ` is Legolas' thoughts. Go on now, read.  
  
-Jaded-  
  
~O Haldir! Lovely, but Jaded~  
  
Haldir tossed and turned in his bed, sweat drenching his silver hair and running down his face. The bed sheets were long gone, fallen in a heap on the floor.  
  
~"Come over here mellamin." Mallorn whispered softly. He held out a hand. Haldir smiled, and was about to accept it, when he felt a sharp pain in his cheek. His cheek stung, and sooner his eyes stung as well. Tears were forming in his eyes as he realized the hand he had wanted to hold had hurt him. "Why?" he whimpered.  
  
He looked up at Mallorn. His eyes were full of lust and malice, void of kindness and light. He left Haldir's question unanswered and grabbed his hair and pushed him to the ground and ripped his clothes apart like a beast without care or restraint. Then and there, on the floor he entered Haldir roughly, plunging into him over and over again, neglecting Haldir's cries.  
  
"No!!!"~  
  
Haldir cried out and shot up into a sitting position. His chest was heaving and tears were running down his face. He felt goose bumps rise in his skin as it contacted with the cool night air. He tried to focus his eyesight and let his eyes roam the room. Then, he looked at himself. He tried to choke back a sob as he saw the stain in his pants. It wasn't blood or faeces. It was his seed. His own. He felt numb and weak, and he couldn't get up to clean himself. Feeling this weakness he cried and cried and soon drifted into a [thankfully] dreamless sleep.  
  
Haldir woke up later than usual. He scowled as he remembered he had to perform his duties that day as march warden. He took a deep breath and looked down. He felt himself shiver as he suppressed a cry. Last night's events were real after all. He just wished it were all a dream. But it wasn't. With difficulty, he got up from his bed and went to his bathroom.  
  
He stopped to look at himself in a full-length mirror. To other's it was beauty and perfection, as though it was sculpted, painted and polished by the hands of the Valar. But to Haldir? It was rubbish. A shameful piece of work that deserved to be thrown away. It was marred for eternity, and no one would love him. He hated it. He hated himself. He hated his body for being traitorous, for being needy, weak and aroused for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time. He hated himself for allowing his body to be that way. He felt his anger rise, and before he could stop himself he smashed the mirror with his fist.  
  
~I've had it all up to here~  
  
Haldir sank to the floor and started to cry. Why was he so weak? He asked himself over and over again. His knuckles were sore and they were starting to bleed. He looked at his blood flow slowly, staining his hand. The pain was stinging and the blood marbled onto his skin. And then he realized something. He liked it. He liked the way his skin was in contrast to his blood, and he loved the way the physical pain allowed him to forget his other pains. Just him, blood and physical pain, while the rest of the world would wear away.  
  
~When everything you see is a blur, and ecstasy's what you prefer~  
  
He picked up a shard of glass, and brought it down his arm. He hissed at the contact but then slowly felt ecstasy as he felt his warm blood run down. In his ecstasy, he did not realize Legolas, who visits him for breakfast, enter.  
  
"Haldir!" he cried. He rushed to Haldir's side and smacked the glass out of his hand. "What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?!" Legolas cupped Haldir's face in his hands and looked at him. However, Haldir paid him no attention at all. He stared at nothing. Then, slowly, he faced Legolas and pushed him off. "I'm going to do my duties." He stood up, discarded his pants and put on a near by pair. He didn't care for his shirt though, he left it on. Legolas sat there, speechless. Without another word, Haldir left.  
  
By the time Legolas got up Haldir was gone. Glass left forgotten, he left the talan to find Haldir. Of course, he wasn't successful. He obviously wasn't as used to Lorien as Haldir.  
  
Haldir ran as fast as he could into the forests. He felt his legs pumping and straining, and he felt weak from the lack of rest, food and water, which he had neglected so often recently. He did not perform his duties. He was too tired and never actually intended on doing it. He fled only to get away from Legolas. No. He didn't need Legolas to pry into this. He loved Legolas as a friend very much, but he already felt so weak, he wouldn't be able to handle Legolas' attempts to help him. Worse, he did not want to see the sympathy in Legolas' eyes. It pained him. It pained his pride as well, knowing how much he had been reduced to.  
  
He walked on for hours and hours, trying to find peace. But he could find nothing of comfort. In defeat, he returned home.  
  
He sighed in relief as well as in despair as he saw that Legolas wasn't there, but it was in a mess. He slumped into bed and drifted off to sleep.  
  
~ "Listen here! You are nothing but a whore. My whore. No one else's. Not anyone, not even that filthy Legolas!" Mallorn hissed into Haldir's ear. Haldir felt anger rise in him at the mention of his best friend, but it was replaced by pain and distress as he was pushed to the wall, and taken roughly by Mallorn. He cried out loudly and choked on his own sobs. His erection was painful but Mallorn took no heed of it. He continued to ravage Haldir till he released. ~  
  
Haldir woke up with a cry. He could feel his erection painful and desperate for touch. He cried out in frustration, tore his pants away and brought himself to release. His chest was heaving by the time he was finished, and he took a while to calm down and let his senses return.  
  
"No, no, no, no, no!!!!" he cried out loud in frustration. Angry tear ran down his flushed cheeks as he ran to his bathroom. * Good * He thought. The glass were still scattered on the floor. He fell to his knees and picked up a shard. Slowly, he ran it down his arm. All of a sudden, he felt the glass fall from his hand and another hand grip tightly onto his wrist.  
  
"Legolas!" Haldir cried in surprise and anger.  
  
Legolas frowned. "Haldir why are you doing this? Why do you push me aside?!" Legolas asked, fierce determination in his eyes. "Let go of me!" Haldir yelled. He tried to tug away from Legolas but his grip was just too strong. Finally, he snapped.  
  
~But it's so overrated, oh I hate it, wouldn't Jade it. Lovely, Jaded.~  
  
"FINE! You want to know why? Let me tell you why! I haven't been sleeping properly. My dreams are plagued, they're nightmares. You know that. But that's not all! Ai! Has Elbereth a grudge against me?! Not only do my nightmares tire me. They..they leave me aroused, and my body is too WEAK. After every dream I am left unsatisfied, needy, even begging. I am left hanging. Whether it be in my dreams or when he was with me, he never gave me anything! He sought out to quench his lust with my body and left nothing for me! I've tried to resist touching myself. It's wrong! How could I want to touch myself after dreaming of Mallorn?! Maybe he was right. Maybe, I am a whore. And because I am a whore I am disgusted with myself. I can't look at myself and think I am not one. I can't take it anymore, Legolas. I just can't! I!  
  
I..I'm..I'm just.so.tired."  
  
~Hell I'm so Jaded, baby I'm afraid of you~  
  
Haldir was starting to slump to the floor. Legolas held back his words, and opened his arms. Haldir couldn't take it anymore. He crashed into Legolas' arms and pounded at his chest. "Why, why, why, why??!!!!" he cried over and over again.  
  
"Shh..shh..mellonin.I'm here..I'm here." Legolas whispered and rubbed Haldir's back. Haldir finally looked up and met Legolas' eyes. "Don't cry Haldir.." he said softly and brushed Haldir's tears away. He cupped his face in his hands. "No more tears, alright?" Haldir softly nodded. "Oh Legolas, I should have listened to you. You were right all along.." A smile crept onto Legolas' face. "Do you know why I didn't like Mallorn, aside from his evil I felt?" he asked softly. "Why?" Haldir asked.  
  
"I was jealous."  
  
Haldir immediately shot up from his position and looked at Legolas. His eyes had a fierce determination and sincerity in them, but his cheeks were slightly flushed. "You..you mean..You-" Legolas nodded. Then, he shifted closer to Haldir. Haldir closed his eyes. When Legolas felt he was calm enough, he kissed him.  
  
Haldir's eyes fluttered open, and his body stiffened at first. He could feel Legolas soft lips on his. He opened his eyes slightly and saw Legolas' face, eyes closed. He closed his eyes again, and felt tears running down his cheeks. Finally, he returned the kiss.  
  
~You do not know how long I have waited for this moment, Legolas. ~  
  
~Hell you're so Jaded, I'm the one who'll make sure no one Jades you~  
  
`I love you. I'll give you all I can give, all that I have. You won't remain tired, and will never be anymore. Let me love you and hold you, don't be afraid. For this will be the last time you will ever be jaded. `  
  
~fin~  
  
A/N: Please review? And yeah I altered the last line of lyrics from the song, to fit in the story. 


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